As much as I love all the good changes I’ve applied from my past, sometimes I wonder how I’d be if I haven’t gone through this. Would I have this many doubts about myself? Would I be this hesitant with the opportunities brought to me? Will I still be the bitch I used to be (lol) or would I have changed to become nicer, nevertheless? Of course I acknowledge that I’ve been blessed with realization, causing me to change my ways, but it comes with a price with self-doubt, less confidence, doubtful even towards others, hesitant with pretty much everything, excessive daydreaming and easily distracted, sometimes having no desire to eat, too cautious with boys.. Etc.. It goes on, trust me.
Initially, I believe I was already fucked up with my first heartbreak and family issues, but now after all of this, I can’t even elaborate on how difficult it is to understand myself. Sometimes I wish I could go back and hand-pick the traits I used to have and apply them to myself today. The hard thing is, it’s really only up to me to let go of resisting and just let myself rise or fall, whatever it may be. Maybe this takes time but I’m beginning to get annoyed with myself haha. I don’t feel like my full self and I truly wonder if I’ll ever be the same again